DBT x Gottman's Series: Turning Toward using Opposite Action in Conflict

It's hard to feel warmth for partners when we have spent an entire night arguing with them. Even after there is some logical resolution, there is often still coldness.

You will need to use Turning Toward through Bids for connection (Gottmans) in combination with Opposite Action (DBT). Gottman emphasizes that the success of Repair Attempts — not the absence of conflict predicts relationship strength.

• Turning Toward Bids, a skill from Gottman's method is any attempt a person makes — verbal or nonverbal — to connect emotionally with another person. It's a small or large gesture that says, "I want your attention, affection, or support."

  
  

• Opposite Action, a skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), applies directly to bids for connection when your emotional urge is to withdraw, punish, or reject, but your long-term goal is connection, repair, or relationship stability which requires you to do the Opposite action of making a bid for connection even when you really don't feel like it.

  
  

  In conflict, your emotional urge might be to:

  • Stay distant

  • Remain angry or cold

  • Withhold warmth as a form of control or punishment

    ... start to think about what the opposite of these actions are and do this

Practical Example of Turning Toward using Opposite Action: